Wednesday, November 12, 2003
I love this new Limp Bizkit song "Behind Blue Eyes". It has such a haunting melodic line and I love it. I know the Who did it first for all of you yelling, "It's a cheap cover!". I like it so deal with it.
I feel so stressed lately and so down and out. I am getting used to the fact that I may possibly make two Bs this semester but I am not happy with it. I may still have a chance in Bio to turn things around but Chem may prove to be a bigger challenge. This whole pre-med thing had got my stomach all in knots. People here are so intimidated by the program offered that all I hear are things like, "Did you here in this class practically everyone fails?" and "Oh next semester is going to be soooo hard!" and blah blah blah blah. I think people spend so much time psyching themselves out about the classes that they are ready to fail before they even begin. While I recognize this I can't help but feel a little nervous myself. My problem is that I have such doubt in myself and my ability to perform up to par. I just feel like I need someone in my corner who knows to tell me, "Yeah you're on the right path, you have what it takes, I know you can do it." I am just so terrified of what to do if I can't do this. I have no idea what else I would do with my life. Move to Hollywood and become a famous actress. Hehe.
So if there are any words of encouragement out there, feel free to send them this way. They wouldn't hurt!
I feel so stressed lately and so down and out. I am getting used to the fact that I may possibly make two Bs this semester but I am not happy with it. I may still have a chance in Bio to turn things around but Chem may prove to be a bigger challenge. This whole pre-med thing had got my stomach all in knots. People here are so intimidated by the program offered that all I hear are things like, "Did you here in this class practically everyone fails?" and "Oh next semester is going to be soooo hard!" and blah blah blah blah. I think people spend so much time psyching themselves out about the classes that they are ready to fail before they even begin. While I recognize this I can't help but feel a little nervous myself. My problem is that I have such doubt in myself and my ability to perform up to par. I just feel like I need someone in my corner who knows to tell me, "Yeah you're on the right path, you have what it takes, I know you can do it." I am just so terrified of what to do if I can't do this. I have no idea what else I would do with my life. Move to Hollywood and become a famous actress. Hehe.
So if there are any words of encouragement out there, feel free to send them this way. They wouldn't hurt!
Sunday, November 09, 2003
I just finished cleaning my dorm room.....sigh......both sides. Lately I really feel like I have gotten the short end of the stick when it comes to my roommate. I am so unhappy and I really want a new one. She is nice enough but not so great to live with and we are absolutely on opposite ends of the universe. Here is some of the stuff I have to live with daily (I know I'm whining but I really need to get it off my chest) :
1. Massive amounts of long dark hair on anything and everything. In my bed, on the floor, on my desk...
2. Trash wrappers everywhere and food particles with dried spots of random liquid on the floor.
3. Stuff of mine disappearing and ending up mixed in with her stuff
4. Spit in the trash can
5. No sense of organization or pride in the appearance of our room
I know what everyone is thinking and I am planning on talking to her about it today. Man, we are going to have to have a major conversation and I am dreading every minute of it. My stomach is turning over as we speak. My biggest hurdle is this complex that I have regarding bestowing any criticism on her whatsoever. Call it stupid, whatever, but when I first found out I was going to have a seriously religious and devout rommate, a part of me felt like this was a sign from God to try and put me back on the path to righteousness. So everytime I find myself having a negative thought in her direction I feel like in some way I am committing blasphemy to God. Arrrgh! This is so hard and I almost want to burst into tears right now. If anyone has any advice let me know. Keep in mind I have talked to her about some of things a couple of times before.
On a little happier note, I went to church today for the first time in a very long time; probably two months or so. I didn't go back to the Presbyterian church I first visited here in Sherman, I went to the big Methodist church in downtown. I really liked it and was really glad I went. The sermon topic today was, "Is your life worth dying for?". I found it very thought provoking especially because I am in a point in my life when all the decisions I make can possibly affect the next thirty years. So I really have to choose wisely and carefully at this point. It's all so exciting and very scary at the same time.
So speaking of making good choices I am going to now sign off and study for the two tests I have coming up on Wednesday. So long!
1. Massive amounts of long dark hair on anything and everything. In my bed, on the floor, on my desk...
2. Trash wrappers everywhere and food particles with dried spots of random liquid on the floor.
3. Stuff of mine disappearing and ending up mixed in with her stuff
4. Spit in the trash can
5. No sense of organization or pride in the appearance of our room
I know what everyone is thinking and I am planning on talking to her about it today. Man, we are going to have to have a major conversation and I am dreading every minute of it. My stomach is turning over as we speak. My biggest hurdle is this complex that I have regarding bestowing any criticism on her whatsoever. Call it stupid, whatever, but when I first found out I was going to have a seriously religious and devout rommate, a part of me felt like this was a sign from God to try and put me back on the path to righteousness. So everytime I find myself having a negative thought in her direction I feel like in some way I am committing blasphemy to God. Arrrgh! This is so hard and I almost want to burst into tears right now. If anyone has any advice let me know. Keep in mind I have talked to her about some of things a couple of times before.
On a little happier note, I went to church today for the first time in a very long time; probably two months or so. I didn't go back to the Presbyterian church I first visited here in Sherman, I went to the big Methodist church in downtown. I really liked it and was really glad I went. The sermon topic today was, "Is your life worth dying for?". I found it very thought provoking especially because I am in a point in my life when all the decisions I make can possibly affect the next thirty years. So I really have to choose wisely and carefully at this point. It's all so exciting and very scary at the same time.
So speaking of making good choices I am going to now sign off and study for the two tests I have coming up on Wednesday. So long!
Wednesday, November 05, 2003
So I was thinking today, "Wow I have all of these thoughts floating around in my head now, I really should do some self therapy and keep my journal again." So to those of you who cried out in frustration, "Why isn't she writing anymore?!" (and I'm sure there were so many), here once again is my blog. Hopefully somewhat new and improved.
Well school has been going for about two months now and I still feel a little unadjusted. I wonder if it has ever taken anybody else this long to feel comfortable in a new place. I hate to admit but sometimes I wonder if this whole college thing is for me, and then I stop myself and say, "Of course it is. If I wasn't doing college what else would I be doing? Working at McDonald's?". But whenever I think of the future looming ahead of me, it absolutely one hundred percent terrifies me. Uttlerly terrifies me. I can't see myself as anything else in this world other than a doctor. There is nothing else for me (other then being a movie star or Britney Spears). However, I have this awful feeling that when real crunch time comes I'm going to fail miserably. I really feel as though I don't have what it takes to be a doctor. Whether that be intelligence, maturity, discipline, whatever, I really feel like it isn't there for me. I wish I could reach a point in life where I wake up every day excited about what I'm going to learn and learning was a fun and challenging process to me. Instead I view it as work and that makes each day less fun then the one before it.
On a more positive note, I really feel that I am finding a good group of intimate friends. Each one has their own special quality and I can see us all becoming so close in the near future. And the most exciting part is we are all going to pledge Alpha Delta Chi!! So my friends whom I know I will grow to love dearly will also be my sisters for life!
And on the relationship front, Rusty caused me to have a real scare last night. One thing you must know beforehand is Rusty has always had this burning desire to go into law enforcement. And not the kind where you sit on the side of the road and give out speeding tickets. The kind where you work late at night until early morning and in the ghettoest of the ghetto. That is the kind of cop he would want to be. However, for a while now he has serioulsy considered staying on at 24 hour fitness and going into sales and eventually working his way up to upper management. And with the way things have been going with us lately I can really see a future together....he and his management career and me and my practice....such a nice happy life. Well he calls me last night and tells me very seriously that he is considering being a police officer. This makes my heart jump into my throat because I know I cannot and will not marry a police officer. I don't have the character to only see my husband a little during the day and sleep by myself at night and worry that every time I say good bye to him may be the last time I ever talk to him. So this got me thinking that if that's what he wants to do then why are we together if I know we aren't going to end up together? What's the point of giving all of yourself to someone who
you won't end up with and possibly miss out on who you are supposed to be with? So we had a serious talk about the future and he swears that the 24 hour fitness thing is a better possibility and he knows we are supposed to be together. So for now things are better, but I'm still a little worried. Where will the future take us?
Sorry this is so long, but I had a lot of catching up to do. Tonight is Bob the Bachelor and I hope that stupid Mary or Estella gets voted off tonight! Kelly Jo all the way! It's thundering and cold and rainy here, so I'm off to curl up in my bed! So long for now!
Well school has been going for about two months now and I still feel a little unadjusted. I wonder if it has ever taken anybody else this long to feel comfortable in a new place. I hate to admit but sometimes I wonder if this whole college thing is for me, and then I stop myself and say, "Of course it is. If I wasn't doing college what else would I be doing? Working at McDonald's?". But whenever I think of the future looming ahead of me, it absolutely one hundred percent terrifies me. Uttlerly terrifies me. I can't see myself as anything else in this world other than a doctor. There is nothing else for me (other then being a movie star or Britney Spears). However, I have this awful feeling that when real crunch time comes I'm going to fail miserably. I really feel as though I don't have what it takes to be a doctor. Whether that be intelligence, maturity, discipline, whatever, I really feel like it isn't there for me. I wish I could reach a point in life where I wake up every day excited about what I'm going to learn and learning was a fun and challenging process to me. Instead I view it as work and that makes each day less fun then the one before it.
On a more positive note, I really feel that I am finding a good group of intimate friends. Each one has their own special quality and I can see us all becoming so close in the near future. And the most exciting part is we are all going to pledge Alpha Delta Chi!! So my friends whom I know I will grow to love dearly will also be my sisters for life!
And on the relationship front, Rusty caused me to have a real scare last night. One thing you must know beforehand is Rusty has always had this burning desire to go into law enforcement. And not the kind where you sit on the side of the road and give out speeding tickets. The kind where you work late at night until early morning and in the ghettoest of the ghetto. That is the kind of cop he would want to be. However, for a while now he has serioulsy considered staying on at 24 hour fitness and going into sales and eventually working his way up to upper management. And with the way things have been going with us lately I can really see a future together....he and his management career and me and my practice....such a nice happy life. Well he calls me last night and tells me very seriously that he is considering being a police officer. This makes my heart jump into my throat because I know I cannot and will not marry a police officer. I don't have the character to only see my husband a little during the day and sleep by myself at night and worry that every time I say good bye to him may be the last time I ever talk to him. So this got me thinking that if that's what he wants to do then why are we together if I know we aren't going to end up together? What's the point of giving all of yourself to someone who
you won't end up with and possibly miss out on who you are supposed to be with? So we had a serious talk about the future and he swears that the 24 hour fitness thing is a better possibility and he knows we are supposed to be together. So for now things are better, but I'm still a little worried. Where will the future take us?
Sorry this is so long, but I had a lot of catching up to do. Tonight is Bob the Bachelor and I hope that stupid Mary or Estella gets voted off tonight! Kelly Jo all the way! It's thundering and cold and rainy here, so I'm off to curl up in my bed! So long for now!
Sunday, September 14, 2003
I went home this weekend after a somewhat tumultuous Friday night. For some reason I've been having the most awful mood swings. Who knows whether that is a result of the weather, hormones, etc. I've had boughts of depression and then all of a sudden I'm so happy I'm giddy. So Friday was spent feeling lonely and sad until Samir came to keep me company. His mere presence made me feel one hundred percent better and then Rusty showed up later and I was happy to see him as well, even though our time together was a little awkward. Because of my new living situation with my roommate, I'm not quite sure how much display of affection I'm comfortable demonstrating. One more thing to work out. I do know that I love him with all my heart and I am totally committed to making this college thing work out. It was so nice being home with my family. I never realized how much love and warmth there is amoing all of us and I just felt so centered and calm in the comfort of home. I was a gigantic loser on Saturday night because I sat in my room and read bio, chem, PF, and chem prelab. But so much was accomplished and I feel like a gigantic weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Now I am back in the dorm and getting ready to go for a late run...got to be dedicated if I want to achieve a body like Britney's! That's all for now!
Wednesday, September 10, 2003
Oh gosh, I am afriad even to look at the last day I posted. I should officially be in the Blog Hall of Shame. For a quick update, college life is good and busy. Since I'm a Business Administration major on a pre med plan, these next four years will definitely be a load. But I have confidence in my ability. I have to deal with all these people telling me things like, "Hey did you know that 2/3 of the people who originally say they are pre med turn out to be psych majors or english majors by the second semester?" and "Did you know everyone says that those who are in Intro to Bio and Chem usually fail horribly?". Thank you so much you bunch of dumbasses for your vote of confidence in me! Seeing as we've been a here a week and a half I can tell you know everything there is to know about me! Yeah, that's not a sensitive nerve or anything. Everyone here at AC seems pretty nice though and it is great to catch up with old friends from high school here, even though that's not too many. There is just something liberating about being at a place where nobody knows anything about you or has any preconcieved ideas, therefore you are able to present yourself in any light that you want and create a whole new identity for yourself if you should desire. One thing on campus that I am really excited about is a club called Best Buddies in which you are paired up individually with a person who is mentally hadicapped. You are able to build a one-on-one relationship with those people and bring joy into their lives as well as your own. I'm also debating the whole sorority thing. At Austin College it is local so it's not like at SMU where whether or not you are involved in Greek life defines who you are. The shallow part of me wants to be in Alpha Delta Phi, which are the pretty and popular girls, but the more reasonable side of me thinks I would happier in Omega Delta, who are the nice girls on campus. Oh well I don't have to decide until February. I know this is a long one but there is so much happiness going on right now and I want to share it. I have PF in twenty minutes then it's off to hit the books once again! Tata!
Wednesday, August 27, 2003
My whole world has been turned upside down it seems. I got a quick call this morning from mi madre who informed me that apparently we had read the paper wrong and I was to move in on Thursday instead of Friday. So I packed up at the grandparents and said a tearful early good bye. Now there is so much to do before I leave...go to the bank, last minute trips to Wal Mart and packing, packing, packing. I did a lot of it tonight but I still am missing a few things and I haven't even started on my clothes. Rusty and I cheated since I was home early and he stopped by. I miss him all the time, but in order for me to establish an identity at college we are going to have to brave the lonsomeness, and the same goes for him. Actually right now I am feeling pretty unimportant. Everyone has left, but no one has called to tell me anything. I've left a few messages but to no avail. Maybe everyone has moved on and I'm supposed to as well. :( That is all for now, good night Journizzle.
Monday, August 25, 2003
I am now the official lone ranger in town. Except right now I am out of town at my grandparents' in Tyler. I'll be back on Wednesday though to begin the long job of packing things up to leave. I went and said good bye to Sam on Saturday and then said good bye to Rusty on Sunday, before making the two hour trip out here all by myself. I am such a big girl now. Not too much is happening right now just the countdown for college! Only three and a half days left! This is something I've been waiting my whole life for and now it's finally here. See ya!
